first night

March 5, 2010

So I was trying to think of an image to use as a header, something that would sum me up, or that I felt was sufficiently arty to make me seem… deep or something.

But then it occured to me. This is my blog. Shouldn’t I write something?

I have to say, I don’t actually have a lot to write about right at this second, but to be fair to me it was a long day, and I’m kind of sick. The kind of sick where I’ve been referred to a couple of specialists, which honestly scares the holy fucking shit out of me, because I have been brushing a few things off for months. I may be overreacting, in fact I almost certainly am. Because I don’t really get sick.

I hope.

I’ve been epileptic for a long time, my first ‘proper’ seizure (as in the thrashing around, eyes rolling back, speaking in tounges type) was over 10 years ago. I haven’t had one of those seizures in a long time, and when the ones I have had (semi) recently were due to ecstasy. The chemical type, not like…. the orgasmic type or whatever.

But now, almost the longer I go without having a seizure, the more paranoid I am about it. I have actually developed a severe phobia of seizures, to the point where if I am feeling unwell I sort of start to see a phantom aura. It’s not really there and I can’t really see it, but just the thought of actually having a seizure brings it on. Maybe it’s the fact that, more than once, I could have died. Ecstasy + epilepsy is not a great mix. Last night I felt sick, and had to sit down, and felt bad because my boyfriend was over, and I was having one of these phantom auras. I couldn’t really see anything. I think my mind sort of just… seizes the possibility. Most of the time when it happens, I take some Epilim, and it calms me down. Which is pretty much 100% of a placebo effect, because there’s no way that medication could do that that fast. It’s not a benzo, it’s not mood altering, and it definitely takes more than two minutes to work.

This makes me feel really stupid, and last night I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend, because he would have freaked out. It would’ve been a concerned, loving freak out but… a freakout nonetheless.

I’ve never really had to consider my health before.

I’m only in my early twenties, but my body can not take the thrashing it once could, and that scares the crap out of me as well. I’m far too young to be getting older.

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