moving on

March 9, 2010

Tonight I went back to the brothel I used to work in. Not to work, but because I left some textbooks there yonks ago and kind of assumed my locker would still be mine and my stuff would still be there. Apparently not.

I’m okay with this. I can buy new books. I’m okay no longer having a space of my own there.

I could’ve worked tonight if I wanted to, just walked in the door and been one of them again.

But I don’t want to.

I didn’t actually intend for my last time there to be…well, my last time. I had just shifted into working more or less full time at my new job, and I was still in the very new stages of a new relationship, and I had been working less and less. But it was never like, okay, today is my last time. It just sort of happened that I never went back.

It makes me sick now. Even sitting here, after being there for about 20 minutes tonight, chatting to a couple of girls I used to work with, sitting on that couch where I spent so many hours of my life just waiting waiting waiting… I want to go and take a shower right now.

I’ve sort of had it in my head for a while that I would go back,  make some cash to pay some bills, get myself over the last few financial hurdles, and then, be gone forever. Going from earning $130-250 an hour to earning less than 20 is fucking difficult. What I earn in an average week now, I used to make on a reasonable Saturday night.

My  boyfriend knows about all this. Last night he asked if I needed him to come with me to pick up my stuff, for support. He is absolutely fucking gorgeous and I adore the shit out of him. I declined, but the offer meant so much to me, I don’t think he even realised how deeply it touched me.

I sort of meant there to be a point to this post. Actually, I kind of meant for there to be a point to this blog, period. Maybe there will be at some point, but for now, it’s just whatever’s on my mind.

Prostitution is a funny one. I don’t think it’s universally bad, but it was certainly bad for me, and I’m happy to be out. The thought of going back terrifies me. Being back there tonight… kind of felt comfortable. Like an old addiction I could easily lapse back into.

I think I will write more on this topic, but I am tired, I have a lot on my mind, and I need to just relax. I have my first therapist appointment in a while tomorrow, I want to relax before I go through all this stuff with him.

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2 Responses to “moving on”

  1. Sarah Hannah said

    you seem to have gone through alot of stuff, can i ask how old you are?

    i have nothing against girls who go into prostitution. im not the type to judge. i guess all i feel is a mild sympathy for the ones who are forced into it, or have to do it to fuel their drug habits. and then i guess for all the girls who are caught up in sex trafficking and whatnot, that is a whole different story…

  2. claire said

    I’m 22.

    there are girls that can work in the sex industry and still keep their head… but honestly, I feel like they are few and far in between. In my experience, a disproportinate number of girls working in the industry come from low socio-economic backgrounds, often victims of abuse and also ill educated. that doesn’t mean all of them by any means. but, well… a lot of girls who go into the industry aren’t all that healthy to begin with.

    Personally, it just drove me towards drugs. I wasn’t living a productive life because I wasn’t motivated. Except for one overseas trip and the house I rent, I have nothing to show for nearly 2 years of working in the industry. which I am now so angry at myself for, because I could’ve been completely financially secure. it was ultimately just making me unhappy and altering my views of myself and what I deserved out of life.

    sex trafficking is definitely a whole other ballpark. I did encounter that in a way, although probably not in the sense that you would imagine. my old boss would pay for girls to come over to live in australia, would set them up with visas, and in return they would work off their debt. but it wasn’t like…. ownership or anything. I didn’t know a whole lot about it, I was just aware of a couple of girls who were there for that reason. they didn’t seem unhappy though, and at least as far as I know weren’t forced into anything – most of them did it to get better opportunities and a chance at an education.

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