I want to be (an) academic.

March 16, 2010

I just came home from uni, after spending many hours knashing my teeth in rage, because the network kept dropping out, and I could not amply procrastinate listen to the radio while I studied. I then went to my lecture… as everyone else was walking out. Whoops. I guess I haven’t got my timetable memorised yet.

This is my second attempt at a degree. This semester is my second attempt at my second attempt. I still can’t seem to maintain a large amount of enthusiasm for university. When is it time to give up and admit that maybe studying is not for me?

While I’ve always been told I’m smart – and my academic life up until a point seems to suggest as much – (OC class in primary school, selective high school, skipped ahead in a couple of subjects, good UAI despite a lack of any real effort), I feel stupid at university. But it’s not because I can’t understand the material. I just don’t care. I’m not a naturally motivated person, and I’m not really passionate about anything. So I don’t do the readings. I usually stop attending halfway through the semester, and have yet to attend a single exam. What is the point of me being here?

It’s not a particularly new or original sentiment but – our generation is spoilt for choice. Overwhelmed by options. Drowning in opportunities. I have been raised to believe that the whole world is available to me. But now I can’t commit. I don’t feel passionate about anything. I’m not creative. I’m clever but I have no deep abiding interest in anything. Except for tv. I love tv.

That’s no throwaway comment either; I believe that as a medium, television is on its way to surpassing film. Shows like Lost, Deadwood, Oz.. to name a couple… are amazing. The Wire definitely belongs on this list, although I admittedly am still to get properly into it. I know I will love it. But it’s a commitment of a show, and I have yet to take that next step. My curent job allows me to explore and communicate this singular passion, albeit in a pretty lame way. The other day a customer said “Oh, you must be the Lost fan my husband’s told me about”. Hahah. I get pretty enthused about Lost. I can’t decide just how sad it is that she knew that.

Anyway, I don’t know what I would want to do if I could somehow parlay this interest into a career. Review? I’m definitely not a creative writer. But then, I’m not a  very good writer in general. I’ve thought of being an editor. I do like editing. As in, I will enthusiastically edit people’s work whenever they ask me to. I love editing things that my boyfriend writes. So maybe I should be an editor.

And I always was interested in law. My first degree (attempt) was an LLB. Then I got faced with the reality of the unbelievable tedium that is the  actual study of law and more or less immediately left. After 2 1/2 semesters which are now useless to me.

So, I have ideas. But the thing is… I don’t feel passionately about any of these ideas to be motivated enough to follow through. Ultimately, the problem isn’t my excess of options, it’s that I’m an unmotivated, lazy shit. And it’s easy to be mediocre.


2 Responses to “I want to be (an) academic.”

  1. Sarah Hannah said

    OZ is possibly the best television show in existence.

  2. claire said

    I love Oz so much. I have the biggest crush on Ryan O’Reilly… but when I see Dean Winters in other stuff (ie 30 Rock & uhh… Hellraiser :P) he does not appeal to me at ALL.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: