so awkward

March 19, 2010

I think the way that I interact with others is quite… strange. No one would call me an introvert. I am definitely out there as far as people go. I lack an internal censor that tells me when a normal person would stfu. I’ve never really found it easy to relate to most people because I am just… strange. This is something that has definitely improved with age, but I’ve always had that outsider vibe to me. There’s always something not quite right in my friendships; I hang back just that little bit.

Being in a reasonably new relationship (I think it has been nearly 5 months now? Who’s counting?) I’ve slowly met a lot of my boyfriend’s friends, and he has met mine. Our approaches, though, are kind of different. I always find it hard, especially when you don’t actually have a whole lot in common with the people who are now inadvertadely at least somewhat part of your social circle.. Honestly, most to all of my boyfriend’s friends… I don’t think I would ever become friends with if I met them in another context. There’s a couple I’ve kind of hit it off with, I think. But honestly, I think some of them are kind of over intellectualised wankers who spend all their time talking about, you know, the man and the status quo and all this stuff that just doesn’t interest me. (My boyfriend is very political. I am not. I was when I was younger but I’ve only become apathetic, mostly because I don’t really believe that any of the things he has dedicated so much of himself to – protests etc – really do much good).

So, apart from the couple of them that I get along with, I just hang back. I wait for him to come to me. I won’t sit in the corner and look miserable, but I keep some distance from the situation. Unless I get super drunk and spill my guts to one of his friends about…something I can barely even remember. Haha.How humilating!

My boyfriend does not take this approach. He’s extremely opinionated, often obnoxiously so. And he’s kind of used to being the centre of attention. So sometimes, honestly, he tries a little too hard. He becomes this amplified version of himself. This is especially true when he is around my best friend… which I can understand. My best friend is male, we have had a tempestuous on/off friendship, that once upon a time (a very long time ago) veered into romantic territory. So I can understand the need for this particular friend’s approval.

I think my boyfriend compulsively wants to be liked, honestly. Or if not liked, then noticed. On Wednesday, we came back from the St Patrick’s Day Party we had been at, and found my best friend STILL at my house 2 or 3 hours after we left, smoking pot in my backyard. (Which on another note – wtf? Not really cool, but… whatever.) Another friend of mine was with him. And K, he just turned up the dial. He was his drunkest, most obnoxious self. I was a little mean about I guess but at the same time, I kind of made it obvious that I was equally drunk and obnoxious.

Then we went inside and he instantly goes “I feel like I embarass you in front of your friends”. Which… he doesn’t, exactly. I think my friends would like him a lot more if he just acted more like the him I see. Not the version he projects to keep up with whatever this persona is he’s used to showing people. I love his passion and how out there he is, but I don’t love him because of these things

And then we were just cuddling on the couch watching Lost, and my friend comes in and was like “when the fuck did you two sober up?”. We were still drunk. It was just more subdued and frankly, the way I prefer it

Sort of back to my original point a bit more, I guess I just find it funny how we’re both sort of equally extroverted (though in different ways!) and we react to feeling socially awkward so differently. Although I also think it’s at least partially an age thing – I’m 3 years older than him, and have the life experience to deal with said awkwardness differently… because when I was 19, it was a completely different story.

Tonight I’m going to his ex girlfriend’s current boyfriend’s birthday party. How fun for me! But on the other hand, he sees my ex all the time, I guess. And it’s not an insecurity thing, because I’m secure in our relationship. I think this just feels awkward because it should be awkward.

How many times did I say awkward in this entry? I can’t be fucked checking. Time to go home, after getting exactly 10% of my presentaton for next week done.


One Response to “so awkward”

  1. Sarah Hannah said

    oh god, i think im similar to you. and your boyfriend sounds verry much like my ex. He’d sort of be this exaggerated version of himself around my friends and it was so odd, i never understood. totally makes sense in regards to your guy best friend thou. boys and their stupid egos.

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