about a year ago….

April 21, 2010

i drove towards bad news
i was numb in public, devastated in private
i looked at old photos obsessively
i had sex with my best friend for comfort
i played a lost drinking game for a distraction
i argued with a priest
i gave my first speech in years
i broke down in front of a church
i tried to keep the peace
i tried to keep it together
i saw my first dead body
i realised that i really didn’t believe in god or the afterlife at all

and exactly a year ago today, my cousin hung himself.

rip.
you fucking idiot.

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April 13, 2010

i just watched new moon. and by that i mean, i’m still watching new moon. it’s fucking terrible. i secretly love these books. i know they’re bad. but i can’t help it. they’re such melodramatic bullshit. he kissed me and i fainted? wow, truly the voice of our generation. our generation in 1792.

i’ve never been a romantic. i love my boyfriend more than anything or anyone ever. but this relationship came as a complete shock to me. we’re so totally lame around and for each other but i don’t care.

generally, though, my strongest belief in regards to relationships has been the one my mother has repeated to me my whole life:
love only lasts so long if you can’t pay the bills.
and i kind of believe it.

when my cousin went to france to study last night and immediately began complaining about how she hated it and how much she missed her boyfriend i immediately dismissed her as a fucking idiot. france had been her dream since she was really young, and it was literally the opportunity of her lifetime. she worked so hard to get there. no one has ever given that girl anything. she’s had everything thrown at her and nothing handed to her and i have more respect for her than anyone else in the world.
and i couldn’t understand…. i mean, yeah, missing your boyfriend must suck, but this was your FUCKING LIFE LONG DREAM. how could you be essentially throwing this aside for the sake of a guy? a guy you’d only been with for a year nonetheless?

but that said, i’ve never had a healthy view of relationships. honestly, until i met my boyfriend, i was having doubts that i was even capable of that type of encompassing love. with him, it was just there pretty much from the beginning. i love him a little more all the time.

not to mention sex! try being a former prostitute and not being at least slightly fucked in the head when it comes to sexuality. i worked in the sex industry for two years. that’s longer than i’ve ever been in a relationship with anyone. i was sexually confused before i even started working in the industry. basically, i’ve always been a slut, since i was very young. not every promiscuous person uses sex to make themself feel wanted but i sure do(did).

back to new moon – and oh god, seriously, what a shithouse movie – it kind of concerns me that a whole generation of girls is growing up with this idea of love as obsessive, encompassing, central to one’s being. love is amazing. being in love has changed so many fundamental parts of me. but it’s not all i am. in this movie, they only exist for each other. really, what other character traits do they even seem to portray? sullen, stubborn, morose, squinty…
okay, to be fair i think part of this is just the terrible acting the two (three) leads.

i don’t know. twilight isn’t love. it’s just obsession.

and as a sidenote, my cousin is now back from france and engaged.

i wrote this entry mostly at 430am in a fit of insomnia and i so cannot be bothered to fix it.

I’ve been pretty lazy about updating, mostly because I’ve been pretty lazy in general. It’s mid semester break and I haven’t opened a textbook. Plus I’m pretty sick, have been intermittadely losing my voice and feel like hell. So fuck writing. If I’m not in the mood, I’m not in the mood.

Right at this moment I’m watching Flight of the Conchords.
“I thought you were cute when I was drunk”
Story of my life!

Aaaand…. I’m rooted. I actually had some stuff I’d scribbled down that I want to write about. Important things like politics and forcing weather women to get hair extensions! But I just cannot be fucked forming real coherent thoughts right now so let’s make some lists.

movies

1. Antichrist . Oh man. This movie fucked me up! For the first time EVER, I didn’t want to have sex with my boyfriend that night. We usually kind of sleep all cuddled together, but that night we slept on completely opposite sides of the bed. It was horrific and completely wrenched something out of me that I’m still kind of recovering from… it was also beautiful, fucking stellar cinematography and acting.

2. Jennifer’s Body Meh meh meh. Trashy fun, but not THAT fun. I really have nothing to say about this… I guess it wasn’t terrible. Just completely mediocre.

3. Moon This movie had been talked up to me so much that I’m not quite sure what I was expecting… but that wasn’t it. It wasn’t a bad movie, in fact it was quite good, just a victim of raised expectations I guess. Sam Rockwell basically carried this movie as a monologue and he’s pretty awesome in it. It’s probably a movie I could’ve given a 7.5-8, but the movie I was expecting was amazing, and this honestly wasn’t.

4. Up If nothing else, this movie should be watched for the first 10 minutes. Beautiful!

5. 9 All style, no substance. Should’ve tried aiming at ONE audience only, maybe it would’ve had something to it then, but as it stands… be a kid’s movieĀ  OR an adult’s movie if you’re not clever enough to be both, you know?

music

Solardip
I think I met one of these band members in Berlin. It was somewhere in Europe anyway, and Berlin was where I hung out with that Turkish chick and her friends that one night so… let’s assume Berlin. I haven’t listened to their new EP all the way through, but I like what I’ve heard so far. Actually, I think I will go upstairs and listen to it in full and try and sleep now.

misc links

The Muppet Wicker Man
The Wicker Man is in my top 5 movies of all time! (The original, NOT the Nicholas Cage 2006 PIECE OF SHIT REMAKE). And this isĀ  awesome! If it ever gets made, I will be very happy in my pants indeed!

TVgasm
I used to follow televisionwithoutpity religiously, but this site has some of the best recaps ever. The Lost ones in particular are fucking hilarity on a stick! Also, Project Runway and Next Top Model. But Lost is the best!

That’s What She Said Stories
Because I am a 15 year old boy/Michael Scott and truly believe that Facebook needs a “that’s what she said” button. It drives a lot of people crazy.